I don’t
consider myself to be an outstanding apologizer. I suppose I am better at it
than I was 20 years ago. I have had more opportunities to practice.
In her book, Why won’t You Apologize?,
author Harriet Lerner gives the low down on apologies, both the fake and the real. The fake ones usually sound good at first (at
least in our own heads.) When stripped down to their bones they are an act of
simple redirection. A way to blame someone else for a shortfall and make it
sound like you’re sorry about that “thing” that happened. Sometimes people fake
it for the sake of looking good, or just to smooth things over so we can “move
on.”
Then there are
the real ones. According to Dr. Lerner, a real apology requires one to drop the
guard, to choose vulnerability, to hold oneself accountable for that “thing.“ A real apology is a big risk since there is no
guarantee that the apology, no matter how real, will be accepted. Our human nature tells us that rejection
sucks and to avoid it. So we withhold at all costs.
Seven years ago
I had a disagreement with a close friend. My “apologies” were not well received. While I was sorry about the disagreement, I
was also determined that I was right. We
barely spoke for years. Five years passed before I finally understood what
being “right” had cost me. The real
tragedy revealed its ugly head, and when I got that, I could truly apologize
while knowing that I would probably be rejected. Fortunately, the apology was
accepted, and I got my friend back. The
friendship is not the same as before. A
chunk of our lives is gone, and we can’t get it back. We did our best to pick up where we left
off, prepared to accept that on some things we won’t ever agree.
It’s simple to say
you’re sorry. Truly being sorry is the key to the authenticity
that brings the healing. Easy? Not so much! Worth it? I guess it depends on what's important to you. If relationship and connection make your life worth living, well...... then you have your answer.
Peace! lw
