The Power of Powerlessness

I knew she wasn’t well, but I had no idea of the power I would have over her in less than hour.  It’s taken me a while to write this story. I had to live with it for a while first.

Sasha’s health had not been great for months and she was over 14 years old. Her family had done everything we had asked them to do and more. Her visits were frequent for blood testing, physical exams, and prescription refills. The family had even consulted with a Traditional Chinese Medicine vet to get Chinese Herbs, acupuncture, and a special home prepared diet. She had been maintaining fairly well.

To me, Sasha wasn’t just some client’s old lab. She was the family pet of my team mate and friend.  My dogs play flyball with one of her dogs. Sasha was a rescue dog and  a sweetheart of a canine with a genuine love for life. My boys had spent time in her home with her. They were friends.

That morning she was depressed,  vomiting, and wouldn’t eat. She wandered around the exam room tired and weary. She plopped down on the floor while I was getting a doctor. Her family left her with us for rehydration and medicating, and she was transferred to the back of the clinic. I attempted to place a catheter but her BP was so low that I couldn’t get it.  Within half an hour her blood pressure dropped dangerously low and her respiration became desperate. She was crashing.

My doctor, manager, and I responded quickly and moved her to our oxygenating area, got the ET tube in, and got her on oxygen. The doctor told me to start CPR while our assistant used the anesthetic bag to keep her breathing.

This was the first time in my career that I actually used the CPR training on a pet. Even though I had been trained to do this (20 years ago I actually taught CPR for the Red Cross) , I certainly didn’t expect to ever have to use it.  It’s not like I work in the animal ER so I guess I just thought that it was “good to know” and I would probably never use it.  In fact, I had hoped I would never use it.

I had the power to keep Sasha’s heart beating and yet I felt powerless! If I stopped she would die, and I knew that I could only keep going for so long before I fatigued and failed. The assistant and I switched posts when he saw how tired I was becoming.  The doctor found the heartbeat again and we were told to stop CPR. She was back…….. 

I continued helping her breath. The doctor had time to call the family back to the clinic to make some decisions about her care and in this instance the family chose to bid farewell to a fine dog.  

It’s difficult not to replay this scenario over and over, thinking of everything I could have done. What if I had been able to set that catheter? What if I had told the family to take her to ER rather than come to my clinic? What if…… what if…….what if?  More powerlessness……….. and what if I had just freaked out and done nothing?

While we didn't fix Sasha that day, I have tried to focus on what happened and not on what didn’t.  I worked well with a great team of veterinary professionals. The doctor kept her head and led us well. We brought her back giving the family time to come and  say goodbye.  I was there for my friend and team mate.  While I certainly felt powerless for a period of time, I found power in the relationships.  While Sasha has slipped away to the great doggie diner in the sky, the relationships still are. And that gives me the desire and the power to continue.

If I ever need CPR someday and someone actually steps up to help me, I hope they will be able to reconcile the power of powerlessness. And if they can't, I hope they do the CPR anyway. 

Sasha: a really good dog.

R.I.P dear Sasha!