Jaded at the Coffee House

Sometimes when I am tired or a little blue, I head across the street from work to the multi-million dollar coffee chain for a Frappucino. (I won't use this company's name since I fear litigation when I dis them.)  I don't frequent the place super often as the drinks are spendy and loaded with empty calories. They are tasty though, and the sugar and caffeine give me a shot in the arm for the afternoon. 

I thought I needed one today. I was indeed a little blue about something. So I headed over on my lunch break to get a lift. First, they didn't have the type of sandwich I wanted. I was okay about it and chose something else after checking with the clerk to make sure they didn't have one stowed somewhere. Then I ordered my fave s'mores frap and headed to the pick-up end of the counter. 

I was greeted by a nice young man who informed me that he didn't have all the elements needed to create my drink of choice. I know my face shifted from excited (about that drink) to super frowny. 

"I'm not happy," I said in a flat tone. "Really, I'm just not happy." That's the drink I want today. I needed that drink today I thought. Damn, it's not fair. What is wrong with this place that they would take this drink away after selling it to me? If they didn't have it, they should not have sold it to me. 

" I  can make it," he said, "but it won't be the same. Do you want something else?"

" Ok," I resolved, " I will have waffle cone instead."

" Oh, I'm so sorry. We discontinued that drink too." He was apologetic at least. 

I crossed my arms and flopped them on the counter. I am aware that my face was now extra frowny. I broke the eye contact I had with the man, and hung my head.

The Drink 

"Now, I'm not just unhappy," I grumbled. "Now, I'm upset." I was slumped over in disappointment like a kid whose scoop just leapt from the cone. I sighed. It occurred to me then that I was being a big baby over a frosty drink. It also occurred to me that I didn't care. I wasn't angry, just disappointed. I wanted a pick me up. I wanted to feel better, and go back to work stoked.

I finally picked out another drink. I, with great sadness, requested extras for which I had not paid and was rewarded.  I was handed the drink and the barista felt so bad that he also gave me a gift card for another drink. I thanked him for his efforts and tried to provide a half-assed smile. The poor guy wanted me to walk out happy and I couldn't do it. 

I drank  the hazelnut frap with banana and extra whip and was not happy about it. I was jaded by the multi-million dollar coffee corp. who had lured me in for something that was no longer there. 

Such is life, I guess. Aren't we all subject to being lured by a promise of something that isn't really there or wasn't what we thought it would be? There in lies the disappointment that often strips us down to our basic human-ness. We want what doesn't exist and mope when we don't get it. 

lw

The Tunnel of Uncertainty

Change…. just thinking about it makes me want to spit.  The older I get, the harder it is to let go and move forward.  Whether a change is forced by circumstance or chosen, the common product is uncertainty.  Will it all work out or will I suffer and die? (I know I am being dramatic.)

Big changes are like walking into a long dark tunnel. My assumptions keep me from moving forward since I have already (very dramatically) determined that what’s in the tunnel isn’t good for me.  I cling to my assumption as a lantern in the darkness. Will I encounter a fiery dragon, a cursed treasure, or be forced to slay my own demons like Luke Skywalker in the old tree? Yoda understood about the uncertainty of a dark unknown place and, despite his knowledge, he saw its usefulness in training Luke to acknowledge his fear and face it all while Luke claimed he was “not afraid.” Unlike Luke, I have no problem shouting out to the world that the tunnel is scary. 

In the face of an important change, I am challenging my assumption and requiring myself to believe that the tunnel is a passage to another place , that it doesn't house killer beasts, and that if I can muster the courage to go forward I will see the light at the end. Can changing my assumption change my experience? I am finding that, if nothing else, the new assumption makes me a little more willing to move along. Willingness doesn’t quash the fact that change carries a truck load of uncertainty that I can't do much about. 

Carly Simon had it right when she sang, " We can never know about the days to come, But we think about them anyway." So dwelling on it is pointless and what IS certain is that I will do it anyway. Human nature compels me to think ahead .......... even when it's not in my best interest. 

Excuse me now, while I go spit! 

I've had this drawing folded up in my sketch book for a while. 

lw             

Swing the Bat

I was reminded by someone who cares about me that we are all in the batting cage of life. Some people cry and cower in the corner. Some people run screaming from the cage and into traffic. Some of us are more resilient and just stand there. "I'm not afraid," I say. I don't run or cry or cower. I stand my ground while the fiery balls of life pummel my noggin. Thunk!

"Swing the bat! Pick it up," she said,"and swing."  Maybe you hit something and if you don't hit a damn thing you are no worse off. You have taken some action to improve yourself or your situation and whether it's a home run or bunt doesn't matter as much as the fact that action was taken. Stop worrying about always doing just the right thing and just do SOMETHING.

"Swing the Bat" has become my mantra. When the balls are flying at me, I ask myself what action can I take to protect myself from a concussion while still standing my ground.

       What help can be given or sought? 
          What options can be weighed?
            What grace can I grant to myself or another? 
              What choices can be made?

                 Swing the Bat! 
               
       

lw









Disclaimer: Swing the bat is a metaphor for life. In no way do I endorse the swinging of bats at any human or animal. 

Mr. Claus comes through!

If you read my letter to Mr. Claus last December you may be thrilled to get an update on what's happened in this first half of the year. If you haven't read it, clink the link and get the scoop, then return for the updates. 

Dear Mr. Claus:

The spirit of Mr. Claus has come through in ways I could never expect. Whether direct or indirect in cause, my Christmas wishes have all come true in some degree. 

Wish #1 is in the works. 

1. My friend has been typed for a kidney and is being matched. She is loving her life and living boldly. She knows I would give her one if I could. A work in process!! 

Visitors from Texas will soon arrive. 

2. My family is coming to visit in July, which means I see them twice this year instead of once. I am beside myself with gratefulness and excitement.

3. The new roof was installed in May thanks to the generosity of my extended family. The kitchen is rain free once more.  

New Roof

4. Lastly, seeing these wishes come true gives me hope that the universe is not all fruitless pursuits and misery. Kindness, generosity, empathy, faith, and love continue to exist. And while those attributes may seem fleeting and dang near unattainable sometimes, we need only recall those times when we took an action to create them or gave up something to receive them.

Happy Solstice!
lw

If I Bought a Boat.......

I read somewhere that if you have five really good friends over your lifetime, you are fortunate. I am blessed enough to have SEVEN women in my power circle. These are the people who are there when I need them and when I don't think I need them. When I don't need them they are there anyway because even the best days are better when shared. These ladies celebrate what works and comfort me when things don't turn out.  Not all of them know everyone in the circle and yet, they compliment each other, providing a diverse sounding board, and even more diverse skill sets and concerns.

If I said I wanted a boat they would all respond differently. (I won't use their real names. It protects their privacy and creates a mystery for them.)

Anna would quiz me about why I wanted the boat. She would present me a list of options including styles for different uses, where to purchase, and where I could get the best deal. She would have all the details lined out including pricing and she would circle her top three picks. Her feelings would be hurt if I didn't choose one of her options. Since she is good with details, I would likely choose one of her options.

Bea would tell me I deserved the boat. She would talk to me about how the boat would improve my well-being. She would listen to my dream without shooting it down.   She might not be the first one in the boat. She would want proof that the boat was sea worthy first.

Carla would help me with the logistics and financing. She would know where to store it and how much it would cost. She would want to give the boat a spiritual name that would protect me from evil. I would let her do that.

Dana would buy me a life jacket, point out the local boating safety classes, and give me stats on how many people had died in boating accidents in the last ten years She would make sure I was careful. She would probably never actually get into the boat, and she wouldn't tell me not to.

Ella would plan a boat launch party. She would crack the bottle on the bow and cheer. She would be the first one in the boat with me. She would say, "Go faster!" and "Use my bottle opener."

Fran would make sure I was dressed properly for the occasion. She would school me in maritime etiquette and chastise me if I wasn't polite. She's a good swimmer, so she would get in the boat.

Gwen would pack the first aid kits and food. Everything would be water tight and useful. I would not go hungry and there would be extra snacks for the dogs. Nothing would go to waste.  She is always prepared and would make sure I had sunscreen.

That's how this group operates!! In addition, to this power group I have about ten others who would show up at that boat launch party and few who could help me maintain the boat too.

When I came to Portland in '97, I had not one friend. I remember what it was like. A lonely place to which I do not wish to return.  How could I survive without them? I used to think I wanted to be independent. I have learned that independence is not all it's cracked up to be.

If you are lucky enough to have a few power friends, ask yourself what they would say if you said you wanted a __________ ( you can fill in the blank.) Their responses will tell you who they are to you.

Pi and his friend Otter. Dog's have pals too! 

Fate of the Throw Backs

Fish Lake in NE Washington

Oregon is a fisherperson's paradise. The waters of Oregon provide habitat for over a 100 species of freshwater fish, including trout, bass, salmon, shad, sucker, and the list goes on and on. Sadly, I have not fished the waters of Oregon myself in spite of being in a boat many times. I have enjoyed the rivers and lakes without a pole so my fishing memories are tied to my younger days where I fished alongside my Dad or Grandpa. 

In Oregon (as in most states) there are rules for fishing. Criteria for keeping fish include length, species, or an indication that the fish is from a hatchery. At some lakes, native fish and very young fish are returned to the environment to protect habitat and the species.  The state imposes a limit on the number of fish that can be taken in a day. Once a fisher reaches the limit, additional fish are required to return to the water. 

Back when I fished with Dad and Grandpa, the "throw backs" were the undesirable catches. Often a carp, a pike, or a fish too tiny to be worth eating. I sometimes heard other animals and even people referred to as "throw backs".  Nobody wants to be a "throw back." 

However, consider the point of view of the fish. The young fish, the native fish, the undesirable fish and the one caught after the limit is reached, get to live!! They escape certain death and swim away. That fish is never the same because it has been on the hook and/or in the boat if only for a minute. It returns to the water knowing something it didn't know before. 

We have all heard stories of a giant fish in a pond that nobody could ever catch. Perhaps that fish was a throw back. Now he is the stuff of legends since he learned to avoid the hooks that could have ended him. 

My little fish. It's not Nemo!! It's a goldfish. 

If you ponder a moment and remember a time when you thought you were an undesirable "throw back," then perhaps you can understand the state of the that little fish. Take the time to be grateful for a little pain that taught you something important that saved your future. 

Here's to the throw backs: . Swim!! Swim!! Swim!!

lw

Generosity

Is there anything more generous in this world than a tended garden? Gardens provide the beauty of flowers, a bounty of fruits and vegetables, and habitat for bees and birds.  Some plants are generous enough to reappear every year without much input from outsiders. Plants have no expectations of anything in return for their generosity since they “know” nothing. While the garden expects nothing, without the water to give it life, the garden’s generosity cannot be.

My hope for myself and my readers is that soaking in the water of life produces for each of us a bounty as generous as a tended garden and that our fruit is kindness, forgiveness, and love. 

lw

A garden from my sketch book. Oh for the day when strawberries grow with pumpkins. : )